This journey ... it sucks.

Do I?

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 08:25:10 GMT

Do I seem fake to anyone else?

Unrealistic, like my life couldn't possibly be going as well as it does? Like I make everthing up or inflate estimates of things such as how many hormones I take? I mean - this is for my long distance, non-IRL friends. Elli, Cori... people who haven't met me. I mean, really ... do I sound like a fraud to you?

I'm starting to doubt how I come off to people. Some people seem to get pissed off at me, one person thinks I'm a fake... did I roll over and wake up on the wrong side of life? Please - opinions?

Hurt

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 07:57:03 GMT

...okay, so someone I thought was my friend just decided she can't talk to me because I somehow disagree with her vastly superior medical knowledge and I defy what she thinks is 'normal.' She doesn't believe I'm for real, that I'm not trust worthy and that I'm lying to the world at large about being trans when obviously, I'm making everything up, because no one could possibly be doing what I'm doing.

I can't begin to describe how much this hurts.

Has anyone else tried this?

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 19:56:58 GMT

The 30 day guarantee intrigues me.

http://www.nevershaveagain.com/guaranty.htm

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 18:41:35 GMT

I'm half a second from cutting all my hair off and buying a wig again.

My Quote of the night

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 09:21:44 GMT

"...I am NOT a fucking drag queen."

oh, and part two:

" ...I don't wanna be a part of the community. I just want to be left alone, because when I'm left alone, I get the create the bubble fantasy where people actually view me as a normal girl. Have a nice night."

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 06:07:15 GMT

immortal_girl

Guppy

Agility
10

Strength
6

Stamina
9

Battle Rating
25

Origins
immortal_girl was found trapped in a can of tuna

Becoming Beautiful

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 10:07:02 GMT

...yes, that's right. I'm finally starting to ... see myself that way.

...and I don't mean that in an egotistical way! *shakes her head* No No... really... day in and day out I fake using an androgynous voice so that I sound professional on the phone, and it's hard not to hear that voice in my head when I think and talk, and it's even harder when I spend all day on the phone USING that voice to remember that I don't look like the face on my driver's license anymore.

Tonight, at 4am, after 17 hours of wear and tear, I was astounded by the face in the mirror. A pretty girl - maybe even beautiful? - was looking back at me. She has shoulder length deep brunette hair - very soft and touchable but pretty full, except in front, where the hair is a bit shorter but still about chin length, and isn't quite so thick because of my widow's peak, but still very full. I have a very pretty face - lips, eyes, nose, even my chin and and my cheeks is changing... it's almost hard to remember that that face belongs to me sometimes.

...I'm very glad that it does.

Just had to say it...

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 01:17:44 GMT

...I look damned hot today.

If you ever needed a reason to stop smoking...

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 20:28:53 GMT

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=571&ncid=751&e=7&u=/nm/20040211/hl_nm/health_smoking_dc

Nightmares...

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 17:49:52 GMT

Some people have nightmares about falling to their deaths, others have nightmares about being alone.

I have nightmares about my father.

In my dreams, my father pursues me to the ends of the earth, determined to stop me from living as a woman - as myself. He's scary - frightening in the nightmare. In the one I had last night, as I was walking across the street, he grabbed me and dragged me and started beating me up, and later in the dream he faced me as a pastor and I was a priestess and we ... duked it out with ...uh, magic. (don't ask), and then later in the dream I was Morganna Le Fay and he was King Arthur, and I was rallying an army of knights to destroy him, and several of my friends were queens in my alliance - Kiante was Morgause of Orcady, Jackie was Nimue of Avalon, Annie was Morgaine (I know, we were both technically the same character, but Annie was queen of Tintagel Castle...) *shakes her head* And our armies flung themselves at each other..

*shakes her head* How long am I going to be afraid of my father's shadow?

Isn't my new icon hot?

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 05:11:43 GMT

Muahaha

personal trans-related news and info.

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 21:06:03 GMT

Starting yesterday and today, my breasts are swollen and tender. My nipples are especially sore and tender - if anything - even a bead of warm (not hot) water that trickles down over my chest and plops off of my nipple STINGS/PAINS. This isn't the first time this has happenned either, but it's never been so STRONG before. Is it because I'm finally on 4mo of hormones? The last time this happenned I had a visit from the boob fairy. I hope she comes around again...

hugs her friends

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 17:44:52 GMT

You're all soooo sweet. I wish I had as much confidence in me as you do. :)

Changes and Reflections and Confusions

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 04:29:24 GMT

I had a small revelation on the way to work this morning.

As I was getting ready for work, I examined my body in the mirror - something I do often, you can imagine, but especially this morning. Dressed in a pair of tight jeans - which is something I do often, I prefer snugly or tightly fitting jeans - and a black blouse, with my hair down and my makeup done... I thought to myself::

No one could not think - just to look at me - that I am not pretty or cute or attractive or even slightly beautiful.

There may be a masculine edge to some of the curves in my face, my shoulders will always be slightly too broad, but seeing myself in the full length bathroom mirror before dressing ... well, let's just say that ... no matter how good I look with my clothes on, I've never been very happy to see myself UNclothed. *grins* I imagined once that if a man had ever managed to seduce me into his bed, he might have demanded that I get dressed the moment I finished undressing! Always before I've looked at myself and said "My arms are too thick, my shoulders are so broad, my breasts are too small for my body, my waist is too plump, my butt is not curvy enough, my hips are too narrow, my thighs are too straight.... etc" I'm a horrible critic of my own body. *shrugs* I Would not have wanted to sleep with me! :)

Well... the last few days and week or so I've noticed my body really rounding out ... not so much the pubescant androgyny I've been content with for nearly a year. I have really curves now, a very soft and feminine looking body, from the slim, curvy thighs to the wide hips - are they wider than my shoulders now? - to my chest, where my breasts are still smaller than I hope they'll grow to, but finally seem to FIT my body frame. Instead of a gender-neutral body, my body looks like that of a grown teenage girl or a young woman. Finally. And As I slipped into jeans and the blouse and brushed my hair down and out - I still long for long hair to the middle of my back that is soft and silky like rain, I still wish my face looked slightly less hard...(FFS)...but the way my body fills my clothes out - the way the fabric stretches over my hips and my thighs and frames the cheeks of my bottom, the way the blouse flows down the smaller waist and onto my hips, the very round and firm breasts on my chest - I was just surprised - and delighted, of course.

Is it uncommon for a woman to feel such pride in her looks? Not prideful! Not boastful! Fates Forbid I should ever be so proud of my own appearance to think me better than any one else...but... there is a certain pleasure and a thrill in knowing that - after 24 years of envying even the most plain woman for the curves of her body that should have also been mine - I have them. Like a prepubescant girl who never got past her 12th year, never developed into a woman as all the other girls did, I've been longing to ... mmm... have that appearance. To be beautiful. To be pretty. To be a grown woman with all the curves and beauty therein. Yes, I think the female form beautiful - even the most plain faced among women is beautiful - the curve of a woman's back, the sloping shape of her shoulders. I find some men attractive when they are slender and lean, like prowling cats their intensity so sharp, but a woman's softeness, and gentle beauty, no matter how she looks, has always been fetching to me.

*shrugs*

... something weird happenned today tho. More people call me HE or HIM than have done so in MONTHS! ... now I feel like I look like shit. :(

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 06:26:58 GMT

It is a strange thing when, without makeup and not having shaven in a day to rest mine face (I havent done laser yet!), my hair wet and my clothes utterly plain, the pizza delivery man recognizes me as a girl.

Even more strange when after 48 hours of embarrassing facial hair growth, they do that a second time.

Strange, but quiet good for the morale.

...I like my hair. blinks

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 01:13:26 GMT

When did that happen!??

I dyed my hair again a few days ago... and suddenly, my soft, babychestnut fading color turned back into the dark, rich burgundy brunette I love soooo much - and my hair just turned GORGEOUS! And it's FINALLY starting to tumble over my shoulders and down onto my back! It looks a little awkward on my shoulders right now... but in another two or three months it should be definately falling down my back and around my neck in front. *HAPPY!!*

...I actually LIKED the way I look today.

Transition-related things I want to do now::

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 03:30:57 GMT

1. Lose weight. I have a pudgy belly and a flabby set of shoulders and chest area.
--- Solution. Get a ride to Ingles and Get Salad and Chicken for lunches and suppers during the week, save pizza for weekends occassionally.
--- Solution. Do 25+ Sit Ups tonight ... 27 tomorrow... and keep going up until I can't anymore and then just do that over and over again.
-- Take my diet pills to supplement the diet.
-- Jog on Wenesdays and Sundays for 30 minutes.
-- Have lots of se-- Err! *blushes, hides her face and whistles innocently*
2. Figure out how I wanna do my hair and face. I'm CONVINCED that the majority of people who read me are looking at my face and hair. GROW HAIR! And there's gotta be some plastic surgery I can do to make my face lose it's male edges.
3. Spend tonight and tomorrow morning polishing my dang voice! Voice! AH! I'm going to start using "Thank you for calling Bellsouth DSL, this is Rebecca" from now on starting Monday, and even sooner if I can work up the dang guts. (Yes, up to now, I've been introducing myself as "Beck" -- enough of that.) I get 1 call a day now from someone who hears a girl when they're talking to me anyway, so ... maybe if I introduce myself that way it'll be easier... I'm just tired of having to use "Beck" for the 'customer's sensibilities.' ... And I have supervisors calling me "Sir" and "Mr. Beck" Now. Enough of THAT!
4. Practice... standing up straight again. I used to be so bold ... so straight and tall and facing the world head on. But now... I'm all but hunched over, head down and shying away when I walk by people - I'm IN FEAR of the disgust and the revulsion on their faces. I'm through with that. Demure and sweet I can be... pitiful and shrinking I am NOT.
5. I'm gonna get my name changed finally! Ahh! Now that I finally have the money!! Ahh! Well.. mid Feb anyway. I first need to order a official copy of my Birth Certifiate from Minnesota. Then I can contact the court and get a court order that lists both my change of name, (hopefully my change of sex), and should specify that the items are to be changed on my birth certificate. Otherwise I'll lobby the courts until I get what I want. >.< I am Becca! Hear me roar! ...*takes after Vyv!*
6. Mid-March I hope to start Laser Hair Removal down in Atlanta. I should be HAIRLESS by August! Yay!

Soul-less

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 23:48:00 GMT

This job sucks the life out of me. I don't want to smile anymore. I don't want to laugh. I just feel like each laugh is forced, and all the smiles I generate are fake. I'm sick of coming in to work and being addressed as "sir" all day on the phone. I'm sick of not knowing if I look NORMAL. I can't stress how important to me this is. I'm sick of feeling like I am a freak because of this job. It's so HARD to feel normal when I HAVE to use the men's room, when I have to sit on the phone and have people call me "sir" all day, when I have NO idea how I look. I DO feel like a freak. I can't HELP it anymore. I'm sorry I'm not "Teflon Skin Girl"... but day in and day out reinforcements of how 'different' I am ... "Sir...", using the men's room while standing there in a skirt and heels... I just feel ... like an ugly, misshapen troll.

No, I'd never ever give up, so please, don't tell me "Buck up, feel better..." I really DO just need to vent. Talking to people I knew on AIM used to get me through the day, but this is just sucking the air and the life out of me. I'm empty inside. I can't write - I haven't got an ounce of creative juice in my body. I just wanna crawl into a hole and hide from the world, or stand in front of a mirror for a million hours until I figure out what looks DIFFERENT about me so I can FIX it.

I just feel empty.
That's all.
The end.

I just wanna reiterate how much...

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 18:44:33 GMT

...I really hate my hair right now.

Hurting

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 05:29:27 GMT

You know... fuck.

I know ... logically, that when people blow things I say... even things that don't apply to them... out of proportion and ASSUME that I am, of course, criticizing THEM because ... who else would I possibly be talking about? ... that it's not my fault.

But that doesn't make it hurt any less when my care and affection and friendship is spat on and returned to sender.

My favorite song

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 07:55:11 GMT

"October"

I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,
Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
Take me home,
I'm through fighting it,
Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You're my only strength,
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

I can't run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
In all my bitterness,
I ignored,
All that's real and true,
All I need is you,
When night falls on me,
I'll not close my eyes,
I'm too alive,
And you're too strong,
I can't lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I'll never stray again.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love,
My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 07:12:29 GMT

Fuck!!!!!!

me. big mouth.

:( Gods *kicks herself* When will I learn to keep some things to myself?

Hair Extensions

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 20:42:49 GMT

Okay... Just wondering if anyone else has thoughts on this:

My own hair is fine and thin - especially in front, where I have an EXTREME widow's peak. Now, this causes me no end of hair concerns - my hair grows in all thin and stringy and tangly in front and looks - in my opinion - just awful. That being said, I have 3 options::

1) I can get a wig and wear those for the rest of my life. NOT my number one choice. There are things one just cannot do with a wig.

2) I can get hair transplants. I'll do this later, just to fill in the bald spots given me by my Widow's peak, but that wont be an option for a while

3) I can get hair extensions. This is what I'm considering right now. I mean, I know it's expensive, but it's I can dye the hair, get it cut to my style, and it will last me up to a half a year at a go, AND I can wear it constantly. This is extremely advantageous for me.

Any comments or thoughts from others about their hair choices?

I have noticed that the vast majority of what gets me read in public has to do with my facial structure and hair. It's my hope to wind up with a full and beautiful head of long and silky hair - hair that is unmistakably feminine. I think this will not only help me look much better, but also feel much happier with my appearance. I simply don't like my stringy long hair, and whether I'd be born a biologically normal girl or not, I can change the hair if I want. :)

PISSED!

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 01:42:59 GMT

Yeah, this is what I made this journal for!!! So I could BLOW UP for five seconds without having to explain things later on!

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE with an abiding passion going to the boy's bathroom!!!!!!!! *pulls on her hair!!!!!!* It's disgusting! It sickens me!! I don't care if I've been doing it by nessecity FOR TWENTY FOUR YEARS. It's really really GROSS in there. It SMELLS like urine in there. I feel SICK AND DIRTY in there some days. ARRRGH!!! And GAH! Have you ever tried to use the stall after a boy's been in there for 20 minutes? Do men come with extra sensory deposits we don't HAVE? And the sinks are soaked and there's paper all over the floor! EWWW!

I blew up tonight. I'm sorry - I just DID. I had HAD enough! I am sick of sitting in the bathroom, leaning against the wall, waiting for the one stall to be vacated so that I can use it. I'm sick of it! I'm sick of watching boys come into the bathroom and feeling like a voyuer so I hide behind the door.

And do not TALK TO ME while I am using the men's bathroom. I'm not COMFORTABLE. OH GOD NO I AM NOT COMFORTABLE!! Standing at the urinal, peeing into the thing, one of my bosses turns around to tell me "Oh hey, Becky, I have a Customer Satisfaction Score for you - you did very very well!!"

Freak the heck out! Ewwww! No no no no noooooo do not talk to me in the men's room. I don't wanna be in there! It drives me insane! Especially at this time of the month! I swear, when I'm PMSing, the smell of male pheromones make me wanna go on a killing spree or something! (in retrospect, it's probably a good thing I'm primarily a lesbian...) I huddle against the wall, I shrink back and away... just ... GO AWAY!!! eeeeeeeeeck! No, I don't wanna talk to you while you're going PEE thank you very much! *shudders*

oh, I am in a GREAT MOOD! >.< Yes!! I am. MUAHAHA! I mean, usually by the end of the work week I'm pretty stressed, especially with my current schedule of being at work for 12 hours a day five days a week, but this week, I've had the whole boss-firing, AIM-in-trouble, everyone-out-to-get-everyone, AND eeep! my three days without hormones PMSing bitch from hell routine has kinda... gotten out of hand. I came home last night and my roommate had to actually SHOVE a glass of wine into my hands. It took me another hour to cool down after that. Deep breaths and some good african cooking helped tho.

But tonight ...

... I hate being this pissy.

Just ... ignore me. Most everyone else is.

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 00:33:21 GMT

**Written by George Gershwin and Ira Gershwin

There's a saying old says that love is blind
Still we're often told, "Seek and you shall find"
So I'm going to seek a certain girl I've had in mind
Looking everywhere, haven't found her yet

She's the big affair I cannot forget
Only girl I ever think of with regret
I'd like to add her initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherdess for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that she turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
Someone who'll watch over me

Although I may not be the girl that-other
Girls think of as pretty
To her heart I'll carry the key
Won't you tell her please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone who'll watch over me

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that she turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
Someone who'll watch over me

Although I may not be the girl that-other
Girls think of as pretty
To her heart I'll carry the key
Won't you tell her please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch ...
...over me...