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Do I?
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Mar. 25th, 2004 @ 03:30 am
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Do I seem fake to anyone else?
Unrealistic, like my life couldn't possibly be going as well as it does? Like I make everthing up or inflate estimates of things such as how many hormones I take? I mean - this is for my long distance, non-IRL friends. Elli, Cori... people who haven't met me. I mean, really ... do I sound like a fraud to you?
I'm starting to doubt how I come off to people. Some people seem to get pissed off at me, one person thinks I'm a fake... did I roll over and wake up on the wrong side of life? Please - opinions? |
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Hurt
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Mar. 25th, 2004 @ 03:02 am
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...okay, so someone I thought was my friend just decided she can't talk to me because I somehow disagree with her vastly superior medical knowledge and I defy what she thinks is 'normal.' She doesn't believe I'm for real, that I'm not trust worthy and that I'm lying to the world at large about being trans when obviously, I'm making everything up, because no one could possibly be doing what I'm doing.
I can't begin to describe how much this hurts.Current Mood:  sad |
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Mar. 15th, 2004 @ 01:44 pm
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I'm half a second from cutting all my hair off and buying a wig again.Current Mood:  cranky |
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"...I am NOT a fucking drag queen."
oh, and part two:
" ...I don't wanna be a part of the community. I just want to be left alone, because when I'm left alone, I get the create the bubble fantasy where people actually view me as a normal girl. Have a nice night."Current Mood: bitchy |
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Feb. 20th, 2004 @ 01:10 am
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immortal_girl
Guppy
Agility
10 | | | Strength
6 | | | Stamina
9 |
| Battle Rating
25Origins
immortal_girl was found trapped in a can of tuna |  |
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...yes, that's right. I'm finally starting to ... see myself that way.
...and I don't mean that in an egotistical way! *shakes her head* No No... really... day in and day out I fake using an androgynous voice so that I sound professional on the phone, and it's hard not to hear that voice in my head when I think and talk, and it's even harder when I spend all day on the phone USING that voice to remember that I don't look like the face on my driver's license anymore.
Tonight, at 4am, after 17 hours of wear and tear, I was astounded by the face in the mirror. A pretty girl - maybe even beautiful? - was looking back at me. She has shoulder length deep brunette hair - very soft and touchable but pretty full, except in front, where the hair is a bit shorter but still about chin length, and isn't quite so thick because of my widow's peak, but still very full. I have a very pretty face - lips, eyes, nose, even my chin and and my cheeks is changing... it's almost hard to remember that that face belongs to me sometimes.
...I'm very glad that it does. |
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...I look damned hot today. |
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Some people have nightmares about falling to their deaths, others have nightmares about being alone.
I have nightmares about my father.
In my dreams, my father pursues me to the ends of the earth, determined to stop me from living as a woman - as myself. He's scary - frightening in the nightmare. In the one I had last night, as I was walking across the street, he grabbed me and dragged me and started beating me up, and later in the dream he faced me as a pastor and I was a priestess and we ... duked it out with ...uh, magic. (don't ask), and then later in the dream I was Morganna Le Fay and he was King Arthur, and I was rallying an army of knights to destroy him, and several of my friends were queens in my alliance - Kiante was Morgause of Orcady, Jackie was Nimue of Avalon, Annie was Morgaine (I know, we were both technically the same character, but Annie was queen of Tintagel Castle...) *shakes her head* And our armies flung themselves at each other..
*shakes her head* How long am I going to be afraid of my father's shadow? |
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Starting yesterday and today, my breasts are swollen and tender. My nipples are especially sore and tender - if anything - even a bead of warm (not hot) water that trickles down over my chest and plops off of my nipple STINGS/PAINS. This isn't the first time this has happenned either, but it's never been so STRONG before. Is it because I'm finally on 4mo of hormones? The last time this happenned I had a visit from the boob fairy. I hope she comes around again... |
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You're all soooo sweet. I wish I had as much confidence in me as you do. :) |
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I had a small revelation on the way to work this morning.
As I was getting ready for work, I examined my body in the mirror - something I do often, you can imagine, but especially this morning. Dressed in a pair of tight jeans - which is something I do often, I prefer snugly or tightly fitting jeans - and a black blouse, with my hair down and my makeup done... I thought to myself::
No one could not think - just to look at me - that I am not pretty or cute or attractive or even slightly beautiful.
There may be a masculine edge to some of the curves in my face, my shoulders will always be slightly too broad, but seeing myself in the full length bathroom mirror before dressing ... well, let's just say that ... no matter how good I look with my clothes on, I've never been very happy to see myself UNclothed. *grins* I imagined once that if a man had ever managed to seduce me into his bed, he might have demanded that I get dressed the moment I finished undressing! Always before I've looked at myself and said "My arms are too thick, my shoulders are so broad, my breasts are too small for my body, my waist is too plump, my butt is not curvy enough, my hips are too narrow, my thighs are too straight.... etc" I'm a horrible critic of my own body. *shrugs* I Would not have wanted to sleep with me! :)
Well... the last few days and week or so I've noticed my body really rounding out ... not so much the pubescant androgyny I've been content with for nearly a year. I have really curves now, a very soft and feminine looking body, from the slim, curvy thighs to the wide hips - are they wider than my shoulders now? - to my chest, where my breasts are still smaller than I hope they'll grow to, but finally seem to FIT my body frame. Instead of a gender-neutral body, my body looks like that of a grown teenage girl or a young woman. Finally. And As I slipped into jeans and the blouse and brushed my hair down and out - I still long for long hair to the middle of my back that is soft and silky like rain, I still wish my face looked slightly less hard...(FFS)...but the way my body fills my clothes out - the way the fabric stretches over my hips and my thighs and frames the cheeks of my bottom, the way the blouse flows down the smaller waist and onto my hips, the very round and firm breasts on my chest - I was just surprised - and delighted, of course.
Is it uncommon for a woman to feel such pride in her looks? Not prideful! Not boastful! Fates Forbid I should ever be so proud of my own appearance to think me better than any one else...but... there is a certain pleasure and a thrill in knowing that - after 24 years of envying even the most plain woman for the curves of her body that should have also been mine - I have them. Like a prepubescant girl who never got past her 12th year, never developed into a woman as all the other girls did, I've been longing to ... mmm... have that appearance. To be beautiful. To be pretty. To be a grown woman with all the curves and beauty therein. Yes, I think the female form beautiful - even the most plain faced among women is beautiful - the curve of a woman's back, the sloping shape of her shoulders. I find some men attractive when they are slender and lean, like prowling cats their intensity so sharp, but a woman's softeness, and gentle beauty, no matter how she looks, has always been fetching to me.
*shrugs*
... something weird happenned today tho. More people call me HE or HIM than have done so in MONTHS! ... now I feel like I look like shit. :( |
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Feb. 2nd, 2004 @ 01:21 am
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It is a strange thing when, without makeup and not having shaven in a day to rest mine face (I havent done laser yet!), my hair wet and my clothes utterly plain, the pizza delivery man recognizes me as a girl.
Even more strange when after 48 hours of embarrassing facial hair growth, they do that a second time.
Strange, but quiet good for the morale.Current Mood:  amused |
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When did that happen!??
I dyed my hair again a few days ago... and suddenly, my soft, babychestnut fading color turned back into the dark, rich burgundy brunette I love soooo much - and my hair just turned GORGEOUS! And it's FINALLY starting to tumble over my shoulders and down onto my back! It looks a little awkward on my shoulders right now... but in another two or three months it should be definately falling down my back and around my neck in front. *HAPPY!!*
...I actually LIKED the way I look today. |
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1. Lose weight. I have a pudgy belly and a flabby set of shoulders and chest area.
--- Solution. Get a ride to Ingles and Get Salad and Chicken for lunches and suppers during the week, save pizza for weekends occassionally.
--- Solution. Do 25+ Sit Ups tonight ... 27 tomorrow... and keep going up until I can't anymore and then just do that over and over again.
-- Take my diet pills to supplement the diet.
-- Jog on Wenesdays and Sundays for 30 minutes.
-- Have lots of se-- Err! *blushes, hides her face and whistles innocently*
2. Figure out how I wanna do my hair and face. I'm CONVINCED that the majority of people who read me are looking at my face and hair. GROW HAIR! And there's gotta be some plastic surgery I can do to make my face lose it's male edges.
3. Spend tonight and tomorrow morning polishing my dang voice! Voice! AH! I'm going to start using "Thank you for calling Bellsouth DSL, this is Rebecca" from now on starting Monday, and even sooner if I can work up the dang guts. (Yes, up to now, I've been introducing myself as "Beck" -- enough of that.) I get 1 call a day now from someone who hears a girl when they're talking to me anyway, so ... maybe if I introduce myself that way it'll be easier... I'm just tired of having to use "Beck" for the 'customer's sensibilities.' ... And I have supervisors calling me "Sir" and "Mr. Beck" Now. Enough of THAT!
4. Practice... standing up straight again. I used to be so bold ... so straight and tall and facing the world head on. But now... I'm all but hunched over, head down and shying away when I walk by people - I'm IN FEAR of the disgust and the revulsion on their faces. I'm through with that. Demure and sweet I can be... pitiful and shrinking I am NOT.
5. I'm gonna get my name changed finally! Ahh! Now that I finally have the money!! Ahh! Well.. mid Feb anyway. I first need to order a official copy of my Birth Certifiate from Minnesota. Then I can contact the court and get a court order that lists both my change of name, (hopefully my change of sex), and should specify that the items are to be changed on my birth certificate. Otherwise I'll lobby the courts until I get what I want. >.< I am Becca! Hear me roar! ...*takes after Vyv!*
6. Mid-March I hope to start Laser Hair Removal down in Atlanta. I should be HAIRLESS by August! Yay!Current Mood:  determined |
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This job sucks the life out of me. I don't want to smile anymore. I don't want to laugh. I just feel like each laugh is forced, and all the smiles I generate are fake. I'm sick of coming in to work and being addressed as "sir" all day on the phone. I'm sick of not knowing if I look NORMAL. I can't stress how important to me this is. I'm sick of feeling like I am a freak because of this job. It's so HARD to feel normal when I HAVE to use the men's room, when I have to sit on the phone and have people call me "sir" all day, when I have NO idea how I look. I DO feel like a freak. I can't HELP it anymore. I'm sorry I'm not "Teflon Skin Girl"... but day in and day out reinforcements of how 'different' I am ... "Sir...", using the men's room while standing there in a skirt and heels... I just feel ... like an ugly, misshapen troll.
No, I'd never ever give up, so please, don't tell me "Buck up, feel better..." I really DO just need to vent. Talking to people I knew on AIM used to get me through the day, but this is just sucking the air and the life out of me. I'm empty inside. I can't write - I haven't got an ounce of creative juice in my body. I just wanna crawl into a hole and hide from the world, or stand in front of a mirror for a million hours until I figure out what looks DIFFERENT about me so I can FIX it.
I just feel empty.
That's all.
The end.Current Mood:  drained |
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...I really hate my hair right now. |
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You know... fuck.
I know ... logically, that when people blow things I say... even things that don't apply to them... out of proportion and ASSUME that I am, of course, criticizing THEM because ... who else would I possibly be talking about? ... that it's not my fault.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less when my care and affection and friendship is spat on and returned to sender. |
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